Madoff behind bars
Sesame Street Explains the Madoff Scandal
Featuring Ernie and Cookie Monster.
A DRINKING MAN’S GUIDE TO THE WORLD ECONOMIC CRISIS
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales she
decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed
alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks
consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar.
Taking advantage of her customers’ freedom from immediate payment
constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the
most-consumed
beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank
recognizes
these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s
borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the
alcoholics
as collateral.
At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these
customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities
are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these
abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.
Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become
top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager
(subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that
slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the
drinkers at Heidi’s bar.
However they cannot pay back the debts.
Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 % while PUKEBOND performs
better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.
The suppliers of Heidi’s bar, having granted her generous payment due
dates
and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.
Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a
competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock
consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.
The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied against
the
non-drinkers.
Finally an explanation I understand . . .
Credit default swaps
Madoff Ponzi scheme
Difference capitalism and communism
With the credit crisis we finally know the real difference between
communism and capitalism:
in communism we nationalise the banks and then push them to bankruptcy
in capitalism we push the bank to bankruptcy and then nationalise them
10 reasons Titanic was actually a subprime RMBS
10 reasons Titanic was actually a subprime RMBS
- The downside was not immediately apparent
- It went underwater rapidly despite assurances it was un-sinkable
- Only a few wealthy people got out in time
- The structure appeared iron-clad
- Nobody really understood the risk
- The disaster happened overnight London time
- Nobody spent any time monitoring the risk
- People spent a lot trying to lift it out of the water
- People who actually made money were not in original deal
- Despite the disaster, people still went on other ships
Credit Crunch Christmas
“Sorry we ****** up your Christmas, but really we don’t give a s***”
(Via Clusterstock)
A Wall Street Christmas Carol
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from Credit Crunch Jokes. Props to the guy who made this vid!!
Subprime and Investment jokes
An investment banker said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one in the street yesterday.
Q: What do you call a piece of meat that forecloses your house, causes a global recession and is marketed disproportionately to minorities?
A: Subprime rib
Teacher and Lehman kids
A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a living.
The first little girl said: “My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman.”
The next child, a little boy said: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”
And so it went until one little boy said: “My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease artist in a gay club.”
The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later, in the school yard, the teacher
approached Little Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar.
Little Johnny blushed and said, “No, he’s really a Business Development Director at Lehmaan Brothers, but I’m just too embarrassed to tell anyone.”
(via daily fun online)
Golden Parachute
Breakfast
Crunching out Comedy in the UK
” They used to say there are only two sure things in life – death and taxes. Now there are three – death, taxes, and borrowing money from the Chinese.”
“What’s the difference between a no-claims bonus and a banker’s bonus? You lose your no-claims bonus after a crash.”
“Things are bad. The poor are being ignored, the country is at war, rising unemployed. In fact, Margaret Thatcher picked up the newspaper and thought, “Hey, I must still be Prime Minister.”
From: You’ve gotta laugh at the Credit Crunch - The Independent on Sunday
Repairing the hole in the Earth
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Killing
I made a killing on Wall Street, I shot my broker.
Broker Sleeps like a Baby
A concerned customer asked his stock broker if the recent market decline and volitility worried him.
The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby.
“Really?!?” replied the customer.
“Absolutely,” said the broker, “I sleep for about an hour, wake up, and then cry for about an hour.”
Subprime numbers
There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.
Bond trader
What’s the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.
Investment Banker
What’s the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker?
- A tie.
